Family Life
Two years ago, I was married to someone I’d spent my teens and twenties growing up with. I’d got married, bought a flat, and thought the next step would be having a family. Who knew that wouldn’t be quite what was in store for me?
Growing up, I’d always longed to be a Mum. I enjoyed taking on a motherly figure, and to be honest, I think I did this in my marriage. I love helping with Sunday School and leading teams, seeing people grow and develop (whether they’re children or not so child-size anymore!). In my careers coaching recently, I’ve been able to see my values really come through, and the nurturing, belonging and appreciation all feel like they fit nicely with the ‘Mum’ title. And, to be fair, it’s the thing people expect you to become after you’ve been married a while – particularly in Christian circles…
But my life took a different turn. I left my husband (my choice – and therefore my choice to not have children as I thought I would). I returned to live with my parents. I felt like I got more involved with friends’ children and showered them with my love.
Then, BAM. I meet someone who is lovely and we seem to get on like a house on fire. And it turns out he has children. What does this mean? He’d want more? He’s had enough? He has a relationship with them, so he is a father figure. Does it matter? We’ve only just started talking!
Boy did it matter though. It took me a while to realise that you’re not someone’s number one priority when they have children, and as I didn’t have children, and they weren’t MINE, I found that even harder to understand that. This took me so long to figure out and wrap my head around. I had so many questions about the relationship between my partner and his lovely ex-wife. About how the children saw them with each other, and what they thought about me getting in the way/taking Daddy’s attention away from them/understanding that I’m not going anywhere and they can tell me anything.
But, a few months down the line, how are things? You know what, I absolutely adore the children. I’m in a very fortunate position (and I do recognise that this isn’t the norm for so many out there), in that my partner and his ex get on well. I get on well with her, and she’s even come round for lunch when picking up the little ones. They push boundaries, like all children do, but I am proud of them, and so, SO proud that they call me their Step-Mum.
I had always worried about PND (having a history of mental health challenges, which I’ll share more of in another post), but equally loved the idea of being a Mum, being a Granny, and actually to make the decision that I might be a Step-Mum instead was hard. It was very hard, but I’m pleased I made that decision. (Plus, I hear the children calling their Mum’s step parents Granny/Grampy, and that makes my heart flutter, that I won’t be a step grandparent, just their Step-Mum, who I hope they know they can ALWAYS call on).
So family life may not be at all what I imagined it to be like – it really isn’t – but this is an amazing solution. AND the children get three parents, and two homes (which I must say I think they’re loving during lockdown – they get to see more than the same four walls every day!).