Facing my fears
I’ve been fearful of many things in my life, including spiders and wasps, heights, ladders, bridges, not being good enough and being alone.
Over the last two years, I’ve faced a number of these fears though. It doesn’t mean I don’t fear anything anymore – I definitely do! – but I’m much happier and open minded about what’s ahead now.
To start with, I’ll get it out the way and say spiders are still very much on my list of things I fear! I can manage with smaller spiders and wasps now, and I’m certain that’s to do with having some responsibility for two amazing step-children. However, big spiders? Poisonous spiders (not that we get them in the UK!)? Yep still not a fan of them. They can keep scaring the life out of me!
Heights and ladders are two things that go hand in hand. The fear of being up too high and not trusting whoever I’m with (or even myself) is something I’ve begun to face. In February 2019 I did a bungee jump to try and face this fear. It terrified me, but also showed that I can do it. I also went in to my loft in my new home, and for me this is a big achievement! I’ve not been in the loft in my parents’ home, or the house I owned, ever, but now I enjoy going in to the loft, and not just so I can store more of my junk up there!
Bridges. Hmm. This one is a bit more tricky, BUT I can now cross a bridge without shaking or being terrified. Someone might think the fear it to do with heights, but it’s not. This is more to do with trusting myself, and in particular when I’m struggling with mental health. This was the way I wanted to go if I reached that point. But I am now in a much better place with my mental health and notice when I’m spiralling downwards (and my partner is very good at pointing this out to me in a compassionate way too).
Not being good enough is something that I’ve struggled with for many years, particularly in my job, but I’ve seen it more at home too as the years go by. I always want to prove myself, and maybe that’s because I set the bar so high for myself, that I expect others to set it even higher. This isn’t a fear I’ve conquered yet, but I am beginning to believe in myself much more, doubt myself less, and recognise that I don’t need others’ approval to know I’m good enough. My God knows me, he knit me together in my (amazing) Mum’s womb, and if I’m good enough for the creator of the world, then I’m good enough for any boss, partner or friend on this earth.
My fear of being alone came when I started thinking about leaving my ex-husband. It isn’t a decision anyone comes to lightly, and it took me a good few months to know what was right, and to realise that actually being alone is better for my emotional, mental and spiritual health than being with someone controlling. And I was alone for a good few months, which to some might not feel like long after 13 years with someone, but that time was so important for me to understand the decision I’d made. This fear led me to take some very silly actions in those few months of being alone, but I know I needed to ‘get it out of my system’ and it was my way of lashing out at how I’d been treated for so long. I remember people saying I shouldn’t rush in to any new relationship until I recognised the patterns that broke my marriage. I remember people saying don’t start a relationship just so you’re not alone. But I *chose* to start the relationship. I had a few people wanting to date me (an unusual situation I found myself in, and one I couldn’t ever have imagined), and I could choose to do what I wanted, when I was ready. I know that it wasn’t fear that led me in to my relationship, it was love and trust, honesty and open communication. And you know what? 18 months later and those are all still very present in the relationship. I regularly say to my partner (who gets a bit sick of it) that I love how open we are when we talk, how I really value it, but it’s true.
So all in all, I’ve faced some of my fears, I know some of them will still rear their head time and time again, but I’m getting there. I’m facing them slowly, with God’s love, help, trust and patience.