Anxiety and/or depression?

For years I thought I suffered with depression, and I mean, years and years. It was only when I started seeing a counsellor last year that I realised that anxiety is very much part of the mix.

I always thought I had depression, which was a chemical imbalance, and ‘curable’. I now know that it’s not about being curable, nor is it one or the other. They are so often linked, but I guess I always shunned anxiety, as I knew others who had severe anxiety, and I wasn’t like that so I can’t have anxiety.

Turns out I was wrong… In the last six months, I’ve realised how much I overthink, and catastrophize about, well, everything. As I try and settle in to my new, amazing family, I still worry that it’ll all be taken away in an instant, that my partner will see the real me and kick me out, that the children aren’t really mine, so I should just be grateful that I get to see them when I do, that people will realise that while I might think I want a challenge, I’ll be out of my depth quickly and all will be revealed – everyone will know I’m a fake.

Phew. Wow. Sorry, bit deep and heavy there. But that’s a snapshot of my brain and thoughts in just a few short seconds. I’m now recognising when I start going on this spiral, and trying to distract myself with music, worship, naps (naps are SO underrated), walks, prayer, reading and friends. My partner is also amazing at stopping me getting stressed out, and we are very open in how we communicate with one another (something we both insisted on very early on having learnt from previous relationships). I’m also rubbish at hiding my feelings, so he knows when my head is spinning.

It’s weird. I worry about all these things, yet I’m so excited to be taking on a new challenge on our local Fundraising committee. I’m taking on a Chair role, which isn’t much, it’s only a local committee, but it’s a step in the right direction and (I think) suits my leadership style. Time will tell… Will they all find out I’m a fraud at my first meeting, or will I get away with it for a bit longer?! I guess it’s a bit about being challenged and stretched in different areas and at different times. If anyone would like to physically stretch me, that would be great too – my clothes aren’t getting any looser!