Did I dream it?

Over the last month or so I’ve been reflecting on what closing a chapter of my life really means.

I am fortunate to have an amazing family – parents, siblings, partner and step children – but my relationships with each of these have changed. My partner and step children are everything to me. I couldn’t imagine life without them, and cherish every moment with them (even the moments when I sneak off for a nap).❤️

My parents and brother are, quite simply, the best. I know I’m biased, but they have shown unconditional love over the last five years particularly. As I sell my flat, the first home I bought, and where I lived with my husband for a number of years, I’ve been reflecting back on that relationship.

When I first left my husband in that flat, many didn’t know anything was wrong. They didn’t see behind the mask. But others seemed to see behind the mask without me even realising it had slipped. I remember months of counselling. Wanting to get myself back on track. But also wanting validation. Did I dream the bad times? Did I make it the unhealthy relationship it had become? I recognise there are always two sides to every story, so knew I had a part to play. However it was only when those closest to me held up a mirror that I could see how abusive and controlling the marriage had become.

But you know what? I still question it. Regularly. I have to try really hard to find those moments. It’s like I buried them deep and kept the times when I felt at fault closest to hand. It’s scary how the mind works, and what we can lock away.

I realise I’ve spoken a lot about relationships here, but it’s been a useful space to do so, and has helped me see that you don’t just switch off when leaving a relationship. It was almost half of my life, and I’ve got more lessons to learn and still open that metaphorical box every so often.

I *always* want to learn. But in doing this, I also need to acknowledge my faults. And one of them is poor boundary setting, and another is a lot of self-blame. I don’t want pity. I just felt I needed to share. For anyone else going through these feelings, it’s ok. You’re not alone, and most importantly, you are loved. Not by those who are controlling you (whatever they say) but by friends and family.